Hello and welcome back to The Post-It Note! Have you guys heard of the show Red Table Talk? It’s hosted by Jada Pinkett-Smith, her mother Antoinette and her daughter Willow Smith. The show explores many different issues such as mental health, relationships, family and more. One of the more recent episodes focuses on love and in this episode they touch on the realities of working through fights, disagreements, and other issues in a relationship.
I’ve watched clips before here and there, but when my coworker suggested that I watch the episode titled “What Men Really Think About Love”, she said that it “blew her mind” and her boyfriend’s mind as well and completely changed the way that they disagreed and how they communicated during an argument. I had to check it out and see what kind of relationship gems they were dropping on the show.
One of the topics of discussion in this episode truly resonated with me because it’s something that I think about constantly. Wale was one of the guests and he said that “you can’t even argue anymore because once you do, we’re gone, onto something new”.
It seems like now more than ever relationships die before they even get started because they can’t survive past the first major argument. Why is this? It makes me wonder if people have truly become so afraid to be uncomfortable with another person, that we would risk throwing away then entire relationship over a disagreement. Or are there just so many options and ease of access to the “next best thing” that we won’t even try to save the one we’re in?
I spend so much time going over these questions and the only answer I get is a promise that continuing like this will ensure that people of my generation and younger will never experience the 25, 25,45, or 50 years of love that my parents and grand parents are blessed with. I know that we value love, because so many people want it so bad, but very few are willing to do the work to achieve it.
I believe that we struggle because there is a fear of vulnerability, it is so much easier to move on to someone else when we disagree than it is to be challenged and be forced to look inside of ourselves to take the necessary steps to unpack and do the work to earn love.
Wale, Red Table Talk
“you can’t even argue anymore because once you do, we’re gone, onto something new”
I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years and before that I was in a mentally and verbally abusive five-year relationship. I watched my parents argue, curse, and yell to communicate with one another. I never learned the tools on how to properly express myself with out yelling. I didn’t know how to convey that I was upset or hurt and I had no idea how to disagree and not feel wrong, guilty or combative.
To be honest, I’m just now learning how to communicate and how to have an argument that doesn’t lead to us saying horrible things to hurt one another. I’ve learned something things along the way that have made me into a much better communicator and partner.
We’ve had to challenge ourselves to have many talks after arguments, asking questions and using phrases like “what kind of communication works best for you?” and “I’m more receptive when you…” Communicating this way has given us both the opportunity to express how we feel in a dignified and respectful manner, we can acknowledge each other’s feelings and talk openly about our disagreements.
Afterwards, I personally feel more connected and so much more resolved that we were productive, and not offensive. Of course, that is not to say that we don’t have our moments. We are still learning and it takes a commitment from both of us to want to respect one another and take the other’s feelings seriously.
When it comes down to it, we love each other more than the desire to be right and prove the other wrong. So we are going to do what it takes to be better for one another so our relationship can be as successful as it can be.
Here is a list of 6 tips that I found to be helpful to allow you and your partner to fight fairly with one another and finally learn how to agree to disagree.
- Don’t let things boil inside. If there is something bothering you, talk about it.
- Give each other time to express how they feel. Give them the same respect that you would want for yourself.
- Listen with the intent to heal, not to defend.
- Apologize sincerely.
- Agree to disagree with dignity.
- Ask each other how they can best be supported next time?
Interested in seeing ” What Men Really Think About Love” on Red Table Talk? See the video below!
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